Couple worth $1.5 million constantly argues about money—they could ‘make an extra $10 million' and still fight, expert says

On his "Money for Couples" podcast, self-made millionaire and money expert Ramit Sethi often meets couples with varying levels of income and net worth who feel badly about money.

Many of the couples think they just need more money to feel better, but that's often not the case, Sethi tells them. For many people, how you feel about money is uncorrelated to the amount in your bank account. 

Nathan, 35, and Linda, 37, perfectly demonstrated this idea on a recent episode of the podcast. The couple earns a combined $365,000 a year and have a $1.5 million net worth, yet they constantly disagree about financial decisions and can't stop worrying about money.

The couple has two young children and recently moved into their "dream home." They owe $1.5 million in debt, including their business and their home. Despite their high income, between child-care costs and a higher mortgage payment, "we're in the most expensive financial position" we've ever been in, Linda said.

They can still afford to meet their financial obligations comfortably, Sethi said. But they're incredibly stressed about money, especially Nathan. They came to Sethi for advice on how to feel more financially secure — but most of his suggestions weren't about paying down their debt or reining in their spending.

'I know I'm thinking small'

Because their finances are in pretty good shape, Sethi focused on the couple's money psychology to get to the real cause of their stress. 

"What you really need to do is to develop a deeply rooted confidence in your decision making, and you get that confidence through competence," Sethi said.

Nathan and Linda know their numbers, maybe even too well. Part of the reason Nathan worries about money is because he's constantly checking their budget spreadsheets and accounts and questioning purchases like a backpack for one of their children or organic groceries.

"I feel like we can get broccoli that's not organic, and we're going to be just fine," Nathan said.

Linda sees it differently — feeding her family healthy, quality food is important to her.

"I agree to a certain degree, but when it hurts our bottom line, sometimes I go, 'Look, that's something that we can cut out,'" Nathan said.

The cost of organic groceries isn't something a family in their financial position should be worried about, Sethi said. But it speaks to a larger issue.

Growing up, Nathan felt pressure from his parents to be perfect in school and in life, and it's led him to strive for perfection now. As a result, he's missing out on enjoying the beautiful life he and Linda have worked hard to create.

"I know I'm thinking small. I want to think big, and I want to get better at it," Nathan said. "I'm always looking to continue to improve. But partly, with my insecurity of doing the right thing, I might take it too far sometimes."

'The opposite of worrying is relaxed'

Stressing about money has become a part of Nathan's identity, Sethi said, to the point where it can be intimidating to stop worrying because he won't feel like himself. Internally, Nathan sees his stress and worry as forms of caring and working hard, he said.

When Sethi asked him what the opposite of being stressed is, Nathan said laziness. But to Sethi, "the opposite of worrying is relaxed, calm," he said.

The biggest piece of advice Sethi could offer Nathan was to get into therapy. While Sethi knows a lot about psychology and how it relates to money, he emphasized that he is not a therapist. Talking to a professional could help Nathan get to the root of his anxieties because his feelings aren't aligned with reality, Sethi said.

"Your feelings can be real...but our feelings can lead us astray," he said. "You could literally make an extra $10 million, and you would still feel bad. This is something that needs a lot of work."

Where their finances come into play, Sethi showed the couple how their investments are already on track to allow them to continue living comfortably through their retirement, with plenty of room to slow down now. He recommended they reel in their investing for now so they can feel more confident about spending money on necessities and fun.

"Parents [have] got to give themselves some grace," Sethi said. "And the fortunate thing is, you guys actually can afford it. I always say it's a tragedy to live a smaller life than you have to."

Check out the full episode here.

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