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How to tell someone ‘no' and not feel guilty about it, from an Ivy League behavioral scientist

How to tell someone ‘no’ and not feel guilty about it, from an Ivy League behavioral scientist
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How to tell someone ‘no’ and not feel guilty about it, from an Ivy League behavioral scientist

For such a simple word, "no" can be hard to say. People-pleasers struggle with it. So do early-career workers with demanding bosses. But sometimes, you need to draw a boundary.

If you tend to get a lump in your throat before declining something or defying someone, try to stop thinking about how the other person will respond, and focus instead on how your decision will benefit you personally, behavioral scientist and Cornell University associate professor Sunita Sah told LinkedIn's "Hello Monday" podcast in an episode that aired last week.

Sah herself was raised to be obedient, she said: "I was known for being an obedient daughter and student. ... You get conditioned to think compliance is good and defiance is bad. And you are rewarded for being obedient. So that's where it starts for many of us."

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But saying no to extra work when you already have a full schedule, for example, doesn't make you lazy or a poor team player. It shows that you value your long-term productivity and mental health Sah said — and if you focus on doing yourself a service, rather than doing someone else a disservice, you might find saying "no" a lot easier.

"That reframes it from this negative connotation to a proactive positive force in society," said Sah, adding: "One of the key things I've learned is that defiance is a practice, not a personality. It's a skill set and we can choose to utilize it or not."

How smart people say 'no'

You can use some key phrases to help lighten the blow, Juliet Funt, author of "A Minute to Think," wrote for CNBC Make It in 2021:

  1. "May I take a day to get back to you?"
  2. "I can do it for you this time, but I can't do it for you every time.
  3. "It does not [or will not] work for me to ... "
  4. "I can't, but here's another option for you."
  5. "It's not good for me now, but let's look ahead in our calendars."

"The specific words used to reject a request can be excruciatingly hard to come up with," Funt wrote. "It's easy to come off as too blunt, to get long-winded with excuses, or to sound unsure even as we're trying to be confident."

Whatever you say, keep your tone matter-of-fact, explain your rationale and suggest another way for the task to get done, communication expert Jessica Chen recommended in her 2024 book "Smart, Not Loud."

"We can suggest alternative times for others to check in when we have more free time, or provide other avenues for them to explore," Chen wrote.

And remember that a simple "no" is a complete statement, Funt noted: You can always simply "get it out and say nothing more."

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