Resilience isn't simply an ability to bounce back after disappointments or loss, or the ability to adapt to changes big and small. 

In my 30+ years of working with children and their parents, as well as conducting original research and population-wide studies, I've come to understand resilience with more nuance. I see it as a set of characteristics that parents can teach their children and nurture through everyday interactions. 

Often, people assume that we become resilient as a result of facing adversities. While overcoming hardship can strengthen a person and show our resilience, it doesn't have to have to take hardship or tragedy to build resilience. 

There are other ways to help children become independent, resourceful, caring people who can handle life's ups and downs and thrive. Here are seven steps you can take on a regular basis to raise resilient children: 

1. Ground yourself to help ground them

There will be times when you get pulled into your child's or teen's emotional spiral. It's not a place you want to be. On the other hand, if you make an effort to restore your equilibrium, you can help them find their calm.

Note what's happening. Regain your balance. Think of a mantra like:

• "I am the adult here."
• "She is not out to get me; this is just one moment in time."
• "This won't be forever; he's just little."
• "I must keep myself centered; my child needs me."

By reminding yourself that you're okay and that you can handle this, you'll be able to turn to your child in a clear, stabilizing way. Your steadiness will help steady them. 

2. Create routines

Every day is filled with multiple transitions, forcing us to face a bit of uncertainty each time. Those can destabilize us and cause stress.

A mostly set routine makes transition more predictable, provides a sense of control and helps a child move toward being more independent. They begin to think, "I know what comes next. I know what's expected. I can do this."

The more routines are in place, the steadier people feel. 

If your child tries to hang their coat on the same hook every day, eventually they'll be able to do it on their own. Same if they have a place for homework following their afternoon snack, or if they find clothes laid out to facilitate dressing in the morning. 

These daily routines provide stability. They are also practice for larger transitions, whether planned (new house, new school, first after-school job) or unexpected, like dislocation due to flooding or fire, or the death of a loved one.

3. Let your child know you believe in them

When you show you trust your child can do something, they learn to trust themselves, even when a situation is difficult. 

Ask yourself: 

• "Can my child handle this challenge?"
• "Is her frustration okay?"
• "Do I trust him to figure this out?" 

Giving them space to try to solve a problem using their own ideas and resources allows children to test themselves and gain confidence to try again. That's helpful whether they're climbing at the playground, buttoning their own shirt, or completing a chemistry problem set. 

Knowing that you're on the sidelines, ready to assist if they ask, gives them the security they need to try.

4. Remember: Negative feelings are necessary

Learning to regulate emotions is the secret to building resilience. To give your kids this powerful tool, help them sit with and handle the difficult ones. 

When a child experiences negative emotions and isn't ridiculed or punished, they learn how to feel, accept, and get through them. 

As a parent, it can be hard to allow a child to be upset. If you feel your job is to make your child happy, though, their negative emotions will be harder to handle. You may end up thinking you've failed. 

Instead, help your child accept hard feelings by reiterating that all feelings are normal and they're loved no matter what. That way, they can learn to experience varying emotions, process them, and eventually move forward.

5. Be reasonable and kind, as best you can

Children see, feel, and absorb your actions. If you model being reasonable, kind, and compassionate, kids learn to treat others the same way.

Talk to them, put up limits, and give them room to ask or push back within reason. This teaches them how to treat other people with respect. When you're harsh with your child, they learn to use the same tactics to get what they want or need. 

When children are having a hard time, screaming, stomping, or being rude and talking back, your reflex may be to yell, scold, try to control, or shame them. 

Staying steady with kindness will go further. Sending the message, "I am here for you always, even when you fall apart," reminds them that you care and that they're not alone.

6. Apologize, repair, and reconnect

No one is perfect, nor should you expect to be. Relationships are about connection, trust, and, at times, uncomfortable disruptions and disconnections. Sometimes you're going to lose your cool. And that can be scary for a child, even for a teenager. 

Engaging in a repair with a genuine apology and acknowledgment of your part is key. Be honest and direct:

• "I'm sorry I yelled like that."
• "I apologize. I should not have done that."
• "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you earlier."

Taking responsibility can bring relief to your child and provide a model of how to deal with anger and disruptions in other relationships in their lives, including with friends or romantic partners. 

Children need the repair and reconnection. It reminds them the disruption is not their fault. Otherwise, the belief that it is can turn into shame.

Know that your child might not be ready to accept an apology right away. Be open to their coming back to you later. 

7. Be your child's buffer to help keep anxiety at bay

In the everyday building of your relationship with your child and teen, you create a buffer for when inevitable hardships come their way. 

Knowing you'll be there for them, as focused and calm as possible, a child doesn't have to absorb the enormity of a highly charged or frightening situation alone. 

When crises occur, your ability to keep your own anxiety and fear in check will let you offer support and guidance in a steady way, enabling your child to learn to regulate on their own as they grow up. 

This is a way to protect them from long-term negative impacts of stress, trauma, or life's many challenges. It's a way, in other words, to make them more resilient. 

Tovah P. Klein, PhD, is a psychology professor at Barnard College and the director of Barnard's Center for Toddler Development. She is the author of "How Toddlers Thrive" and "Raising Resilience."

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Excerpt adapted from "Raising Resilience: How to Help Our Children Thrive in Times of Uncertainty″ by Tovah P. Klein . Copyright © 2024. Reprinted with permission of Harper. All rights reserved.