In college, a friend of mine would always mock my sense of direction. No matter which way I went, my first step was always met with: "You never know where you're going."

To her, the comment was innocuous. I couldn't stand it.

Despite being close friends, I couldn't bring myself to tell her that the jab made me feel incompetent. It seemed dramatic to address something so small. Instead, I let quiet resentment build until one day I snapped at her.

My conflict is not unique. Suppressing your annoyance can lead you to where I ended up: cranky about a throwaway comment and bursting with pent-up emotions. There are better ways to deal with unwelcome observations.

Why it's so hard to admit your feelings are hurt

A cutting comment can make you feel "diminished," says June Tangney, a psychology professor at George Mason University whose research focuses on shame and guilt.

"The times we feel hurt, it's typically when we feel rejected or criticized or put down in some way, and that's not so much embarrassment as it is shame," she says. "And sometimes when people feel shame they do buy into the notion that they are flawed in some way."

This is when anger and conflict can creep into the picture. "Hurt feelings [can] elicit aggression, but I think hidden in there is this sense of being rejected and being found wanting," Tangney says.

Even though having your feelings hurt is a universal experience, telling someone that what they said upset you can feel singularly embarrassing, says Judy Ho, a neuropsychologist and professor at Pepperdine University.

"We don't want to admit that someone can have such a big effect on us, but the truth is connections and relationships are a vital part of what makes us human," Ho says. "It's OK to admit that someone's words had an impact on you. It happens to all of us."

'Help me understand'

The best way to handle a comment or joke that made you feel bad is to treat it like a problem you and your friend can solve together, says Matt Abrahams, a Stanford University lecturer and communication expert.

The next time you find yourself thinking that your friend said something tactless or hurtful, try to see things from their vantage point. If you can't grasp their motivation or reasoning on your own, Abrahams suggests recruiting their help with three words: "Help me understand... "

In order to have a healthy conversation that might result in mutual understanding, he suggests taking these steps:

1. Pause. "It is very common to have an emotional reaction and to want to respond right away," Abrahams says. "Giving yourself a little space can help focus your thoughts."
2. Think about the other person's perspective. "Try to determine if the person's intent was laudable, but expressed poorly," Abrahams says.
3. Ask your friend for help. Invite your friend to collaborate in addressing the issue. You can start the dialogue with "Help me understand." For example, you can say, "Help me understand why you don't trust that I know where I'm going," or, "Help me understand why you think these shoes are funny." This indicates that you're hurt, but willing to work it out. "It also reminds you to focus on understanding rather than correcting or proving that you are right," Abrahams says.

Responding this way when you're hurt won't be easy, Ho says. But if the relationship is rooted in mutual respect, the other person deserves — and might even be grateful to know — that a joke made you feel bad.

"It validates that this person is an important person in our lives, and hopefully that can motivate us to improve that relationship by using direct communication," Ho says.

Eventually, my friend and I worked past this spat. But perhaps it would have been a smoother process if I had taken a beat, considered her intentions, and approached her from a place of understanding rather than aggression.

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