Do you organize activities on playdates — or leave the kids alone? One mom expressed her “controversial” opinion on TikTok.
“I do not organize activities when my friends have playdates over. And apparently, this is a controversial motherhood take,” Lisa Pontius, a mother of three in South Carolina said in a TikTok video. “My daughter has a friend over today and I’m just letting them do their thing — free rein, you know the rules, you’re almost 10, you’re good, you’re on your own. I’ll make lunch, I’ll make snacks, I’ll help you open things, but I’m not producing the fun.”
Pontius added, “But apparently, I’m the only one — when I send my kids to other people’s houses, they’re like, ‘Yeah, we made model robots and we went to the zoo.’”
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She clarified, “The playdate’s the activity. I must have missed a whole chapter in mom lessons or something, because I thought the whole point of having another kid over is so that they would just play with their stuff and entertain each other.
“Don’t get me wrong: I love that for the other moms — you want to bake cookies with my kid with five other kids over? Have a blast,” said Pontius. “I’m usually using that time to catch up on chores and laundry.”
Pontius asked her viewers, “When your kids have friends over, do you have pre-set activities that you know that you’re going to bring out for them to do? Or do you just let them be kids and have free rein of the house and their toys? ... If I’m the only one ... I’m going to start coming up with an itinerary.”
Most parents said they leave their kids alone on playdates.
- “The playdate definitely is the activity! Kids need free play. Seriously. I’m a parenting educator.”
- “The social connection is the activity. It gives them time to learn to compromise, talk, be creative and just enjoy being themselves.”
- “I would plan for maybe up to 3 or 4 years old but not beyond. They need to use their imaginations!”
- "We're supposed to plan something?"
Others said that sometimes parental guidance is necessary.
- “It always depended on which friends were coming over. Some kids needed a combination of organized and free play.”
- “I have a backup activity if they need help getting started because toddlers can be weird and just stare at each other.”
- “Depends on the friends. Some act too feral and trash our house so I have to plan.”
Pontius, a stay-at-home mom, tells TODAY.com that her eldest children, ages 8 and 9, recently came home from playdates that included making popsicles, baking cookies, arts and crafts and bowling.
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“I was like, ‘Wait a second — is this the norm? Is this what we’re doing? Did we all decide this?'” she says. “It would never have crossed my mind to have a set activity.”
When her children’s friends come over, they hang in their bedrooms, the playroom or the backyard. If kids want to bike or use scooters on the street, Pontius supervises. Otherwise, she takes a break from active parenting on playdates.
“My kids are older so they can turn on the TV, put a movie on and they know where their toys are,” she says.
Pontius speculates that some parents, including herself on occasion, over-correct in social situations.
“There is overcompensation among parents who want to make sure their kids are having a great time,” she says. “Playdates are for socialization though, and kids need to come up with stuff to do. It’s good for them, even when they’re bored.”
Should parents plan activities on playdates?
Not quite, according to Sheryl Ziegler, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of “The Crucial Years: the essential guide to mental health and modern puberty in middle childhood (ages 6-12).”
“There are different motivations for planning playdate activities,” Ziegler tells TODAY.com. “Some kids are anxious about playdates, so having scheduled or structured activities gives them a sense of comfort; some parents, including those who are overly involved, want to create specific moments for their kids.”
Children need lots of unstructured play time outside of school or camp, says Ziegler. When parents hear, ‘We don’t know what to do’ on playdates, don’t necessarily give activity suggestions.
“Some kids do melt down or stress out in these situations but for the most part, we really want to empower kids to figure things out and negotiate,” she says. “These are social skills.”
Before hosting a playdate, Ziegler reccomends asking kids what their friend likes to do.
“Say, ‘Tell me about your friend — what does she like to do, what TV shows does she watch?’” says Ziegler. “So, they’re doing the planning” instead of parents.
This article first appeared in TODAY.com. More from TODAY:
